The best of Nancy Grace

Yes, I understand the title of this post is an oxymoron. But Nancy Grace's "best" is when she is being unintentionally hilarious.

When you're a professional, respect those around you... or they'll make you look like an idiot. And if you're already an idiot like Nancy Grace, they'll do it during a podcast.



Nancy's concerned with the heart of the matter and will only argue valid, rational and fair points with her guests. And she never stutters.



Nancy understands the subtle and complex intricacies of the English language. For example: what her guests say vs. what she wants to believe they said so she can tell them what they said so she can give us her qualified and rehearsed opinion... in a way that is mutually respectful, professional and mature.

Again, never stutters.



Nancy Grace is concerned with her guests' problems in a compassionate, loving, non-self-absorbed, non-ratings motivated kind of way - even if those problems aren't the ones they're ready or willing to talk about. Because to Nancy, it's all about helping people get their story out.

Kaboom!

ROFL.



BOINK!

Meet the Spy video leaked!

Valve's probably pissed. Does anyone see the irony in the fact that this newest "meet the..." edition stars a spy that gets through enemy defenses to steal a secret briefcase? Hilarious. Sucks to be Valve yesterday, but great to be a TF2 fan today - just goes to show that you're something right when leaked footage of your next project is coveted like a Maserati in Inglewood.



Slightly racier than their past installments, but still incredibly well done.

Still Alive

Step 1. Play Portal.
Step 2. Finish Portal.
Step 3. Enjoy the closing "credit video."
Step 4. Watch this:



I can't believe someone actually put in the time to do this. Humans are amazing.

Spit it out!

I was on Creativity Online today and happened on their new commercial. If you're lucky enough to catch it, CO posts new creative free to the public for five days. If you're not, you've gotta fork out 100 bones to access their site (year subscription) and I've gotta say... what young (I use the term loosely) advertising hack would pay that much a year just to be inspired with fresh ideas and fodder for his next campaigns? Well, I would. In a heartbeat. But, surprise surprise. I'm broke.

Their newest spot is a departure from their old campaign that I dug up on YouTube... which bears reposting because this stuff is great. Slapstick can go horribly wrong, or awesomely wrong. Having a ram charge full speed into a dude's netherregions in a crosswalk, distracted by a cellphone call is awesomely wrong.

Yo!

We were talking about the NBA Finals at the office and I remembered this commercial from awhile back. Memorable.

Guys, c'mon. Seriously.

There are two types of men in this world. Those that pick their nose discreetly, and those that make a habit of picking/blowing their nose while standing at a public urinal.

I admit, we men are a disgusting species. We have bad habits. We're notoriously careless about our hygiene and grooming routines. We smell funny on occasion. We stay stupid things. But in my 30-odd years of life, I feel I need to draw a line in the sand. Or the bathroom tile as it were. Men, stop blowing the contents of your nose all over the wall, and stop wiping it on the stainless steel fixtures. It's disgusting to say the least. I have to stand there and do my business while my busy little "yeah I could've totally done forensics as a career" brain tries to figure out the trajectory of your booger ballistics like it was a crime scene, and this was blood spatter. And if it's been awhile since my last visit, I have to analyze the color and consistency too.

At this point, any female has to be asking herself - is this REALLY that big of a problem? This happens frequently enough to comment on? You have no idea. It's a universal constant, and I myself have just started trying to figure out why I see it so often. Seriously. WTF.

Just stop it already guys. It's revolting. Some poor soul has to clean up after you, and meanwhile the rest of us have to try and ignore it when it's less than a foot away from our faces.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go gag for a few minutes.

Child abuse? Yeah, there's an app for that.

You are no doubt familiar with Apple's latest ads for the iPhone:



Why would I need to pay hundreds of dollars to simply read a regular ol' book? Shut up Apple.

"Yep, there's an app for just about... anything." But child abuse? You betcha. I was listening to the Kevin and Bean show and they were interviewing the founder of http://www.krapps.com/. Krapps is a site that reviews Apple applications available for purchase in the Apple Store. The big difference between Krapps and the hundreds of other Apple fanboy-friendly review sites is that Krapps spotlights the apps in the Apple Store worth talking about: the bad ones.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those PCphiles either - but as bad as Microsoft advertising gets on occasion, it can't hold a candle to the double-barrel condescension Apple cranks out. The kind of stuff that makes consumers (the really stupid ones) believe that once they own an iPhone, they can cure cancer. Nope, no app for that yet. "If only I could get a MacBook Pro, then maybe I'll grow some talent too." No such luck. Well Apple has finally entered the world of user/programmer-generated apps and surprise, surprise... they can be just as buggy, poorly packaged and useless as their PC counterparts. The great thing about the Apple ones though is that the advertising overpromises on it to the nth degree.

So, back to child abuse. Yeah, there's an app for that too it turns out:



I've read the stories on Krapps and TechCrunch, and yes. That's in pretty poor taste. Both articles called attention to Apple's lack of vigilance in approving this one, and in Apple's defense, the app was pulled immediately when an angry mob stormed their castle gate. What kills me though are the slew of other ridiculous "apps" that Apple fanboys can walk around the office and impress their friends with.

Want to rate and compare your poop? There's an app for that, I [expletive] you not. From Krapps:

But this ain’t no ordinary poop journal … Apple only approves the ultimate
in tootsie roll tracking. Let’s take a tour:



Generate Poop: Choose from 20 different dookie-types which best represent
the look of your crapola (ex = Gorillas In The Mist, Ring Of Fire, Trail Mix,
etc.) … Select from 21 fragrances which best describe the smell of your sea
pickle (ex = Fish & Otter Waste, Fungus and Moss, Grandma’s Fur Coat, etc.)
… Then hit the Flush button to enter your do-do data.



My Poop Stats: Track your personal poopie stats like total number of
toilet twinkies taken, tonnage of waste generated and miles of toilet paper
consumed. Share details of your last lumber by email.
Poop Places:
Leveraging the iPhone’s GPS technology, you can keep track of your load’s
location history or use the real-time Global Poop Map &
Leader Board to view other users marking their territory around the world
(how’s that for social media!).



Trophy Room: A colon cobra competition where you have the chance to collect
four trophies … satisfies even the most competitive chocolate soldier.

Wow. Thank you Krapps.com for keeping us updated on Apple's newest life-improving, productivity-sustaining, cutting edge apps. I was wondering when they were going to put that newfangled GPS technology to work for mankind.

I have a feeling I'm going to be sharing a lot of Krapps reviews in the future. Awesome.

Parking fail, part 2

Fail.

Bonus fail:

Funny and refreshingly un-PC, but you're still an [expletive]. At least learn how to park the damn thing.