Engrish please.

This was posted with the title "I question their abilities." I couldn't agree more. Sometimes I'm glad I learned English first.

Fail? No, win.

Someone filed this under "fail," but I see this as total win. It's Monday and I needed a pick-me-up!

Sub-Zero spotted antique shopping

Tournament fighter and cryogenics expert Sub-Zero was seen shopping for antiques on Tuesday in an upscale Beverly Hills boutique. Flanked by a small security detail, he threatened to "ice a few members of the [expletive] paparazzi" that were apparently getting a little aggressive at one point.

One onlooker who wished to remain anonymous commented on SZ's physique and appearance, stating, "He looked unusually pale and malnourished... definitely not in good form." The onlooker was most likely referring to decades past, when the cold, emotionless master of death was considered to be at his peak:

(file photo)



Full story here. Just plain weird.

There is such a thing as a free lunch

Our team went to Wendy's today for a little lunch and something awesome happened. I became so engrossed with our conversation in line that I failed to realize that I didn't have my bank card with me (my wife stole it to purchase something specific and I never thought to get it back). That's not the awesome part. I went ahead and ordered a combo meal, and when it came time to pay I whipped out my wallet only to find a gaping space where the bank card should've been. "Crap," I said under my breath as I realized I couldn't pay. What do you say in a situation like that? "Yeah... um, go ahead and cancel that order, I'm sorry... I forgot that I'm broke." Something similar to that came out of my mouth and I awkwardly sidestepped the line so that people with real money could actually order their food.

In the confusion I turned to my ACD and, seeing what was going on, he graciously offered to pick up lunch for me. I started to relay this to the gentleman taking my order when the manager came over and said, "Hey, do you still want this #1? I mean, it's already made and we'd just have to throw it out anyway." I insisted to pay - "No no, he'll pick it up" *pointing to my ACD*, but she also insisted. "It's no big deal, it's actually already paid for." My tiny brain couldn't wrap my head around the concept momentarily. "By who?" I asked. "Oh, I charged it to 'manager', it's all good."

Thanks local Wendy's. You rock.

Miss California loses pageant, retains self respect

I believe beauty pageants are pointless and lame. I'm sorry if that's not "PC" but that's my uninformed, pedestrian opinion. I'm not even going to say I'm entitled to it, it's really kind of a mean thing to say. I just don't understand the point, maybe I don't "get" them. But Sunday's Miss America Pageant gave me a new reason to watch - Miss California gave "one of the worst answers in pageant history."

That's a direct quote. And while I assumed she was being criticized for not giving the normal "I love puppy dogs, rainbows and world peace" speech, I was surprised to learn the extent of her alleged "un-PC-ness" [/sarcasm]. I was expecting "I totally, like, empathize with the skinheads and understand their plight," or maybe "Oh yeah, product testing on animals is both an economic, as well as socially responsible solution to meeting FDA requirements." No no, what Miss CA said was even worse. At least according to Perez Hilton. Worst answer in pageant history? Hardly. We got that little gem 2 years ago in the Miss Teen USA pageant - remember Miss Teen South Carolina?

As you can see on several talk shows (including the one I posted here) covering this event (or non-event depending on who you ask) it's clearly hard for them to contain their contempt for Perez Hilton. Can you blame them? Holy Taco describes Hilton:

"He spends his days making up gay rumors about celebrities, then attending award
shows at night and pretending to be annoyed when reporters ask him questions.
His blog is basically just a series of pictures with [expletive] finger
painting on them, followed by two paragraphs that seem to be written like a
fourth grade child who moved here from Vietnam.

Holy Taco is the site that presented this year's Douchebag Tournament (running concurrently with March Madness, naturally), pitting the nation's biggest tools against each other. Perez barely edged out Spencer and Heidi (of The Hills... fame?) gaining 52.4% of the vote in the first round:





Hilton would go on to lose to OctoMom in round 2 who is poised to win the whole thing. Who knew?


Anyway, without getting into the nitty-gritty of the firestorm that is the "same-sex marriage debate," I will say this without reservation: Somebody needs to develop the cure for stupid, fast. This is why you are a tool Mr. Hilton:


1. Miss CA answered your question. Don't act so surprised and outraged. Calling her "politically incorrect" because she doesn't agree with your agenda is both an immature emotional response and a very convenient fallacy. I have yet to figure out why Miss CA's comments were "politically incorrect." Calling someone a "dumb [expletive]" on national television is politically incorrect. Classy.


2. Who made you the arbiter of national morals and standards? Judging from your reaction, you seem to think the phrase "I don't believe in same-sex marriage" is the moral equivalent of saying "I believe in slavery." Although same-sex marriage is an issue still being debated in this country, the fact that you don't even acknowledge the public discussion going on is disturbing. You give the impression that everyone in support of gay marriage in America believes that the rest of us who don't share your conviction are a bunch of backwards, gay-hating homophobes that aren't "getting with the program" - like it's a matter of time and the majority of America is waiting on us. You assume everyone thinks like you do. Do you even understand what kind of amazing opportunities and freedoms you have living in this country, much less appreciate them? I'm sure you don't. You're focused on gossip.


3. You're a hypocrite. Miss North Carolina's question wasn't that hard. Who is going to side with big business and agree that the bailouts were a good idea in this political and economic environment? Nobody. How did you give Miss CA the "easy way out?" - by expecting her to give you some middle-of-the-road, wishy washy, vapid response like, "I think that states should be able to decide for themselves... Uh, because... that's what's going to end up happening anyway, right?" You asked. By expecting her to give some canned response that panders to your political thinking and shallow agenda, you were judging her based on her moral, political and religious views. Exactly what you told Matt Lauer you hoped we wouldn't do in the future when asking contestents questions like this. Good job. So you vote her out - not because of the way she carried herself throughout the competition, and not because of the way she answered the question. She lost because she's Christian? Awesome. Just stop feeding me this "the ideal Miss America should be this and that" crap and have the cajones and security to admit that not everyone agrees with your tiny view of the world.

Your little temper tantrum made her a martyr for the cause and helped a lot of people find out who you are. But I guess you're loving it - any attention is good attention for an attention whore.

Go see what Britney is up to, we don't care what you think about politics.

There's a zombie on your lawn

Like a Britney Spears song, it drones, it repeats itself, it's a little brainless; but it's the song you're humming to yourself on your way to work. It's the song in your head you'd like to replace with a bullet, on your way home.

It's like being able to play something from Homestar Runner instead of just watching it.

Extra points for (a little) creativity. I'm not a big fan of casual games, but I'm actually looking forward to trying this one. Why? Well, I'm a sucker for zombies, but that's not all it has going for it. Anyone can create a tower defense game - but it takes imagination to make the heroes smiling, happy flowers. And the villains cute, but dumb caricatures carrying screen doors for defense. In a marketplace awash in cookie-cutter xerox copies of Halo, Resident Evil and Warcraft, bravo to Pop Cap for releasing something a bit different (which is new for them too apparently, see video below). And the tagline is... well, sublime. I won't spoil it.

It makes a great sequel to the last Pop Cap game I actually sat down and played: Peggle.

Coca-Cola on childbirth and hedonism

A fantastic spot for Coke en espanol (sorry for the lack of diacritics, I'm feeling lazy today). It's great from an advertising perspective: good concept, good storytelling, compelling, heartfelt... it comes across as sincere (for the most part), although it feels like Coke dips into that well a little often.

From YouTube patron ivan001:

By the way, this kind of commercial is actually too common. Life is beautiful, buy a Honda. I love my family, buy coca-cola. I love everybody, eat at mcdonalds. looks like they don't have anything to sell anymore but a concept that has nothing to do with the brand or product.

About people saying this is a great piece of advertising: this have absolutely nothing to do with the product. The message is extremely lame and conformist. You should fight for a happy life for everyone, not find some happiness for you in the middle of all the [expletive] that is going on. Also, I bet this 102 yo guy do not drink coca-cola and certainly not eat at mcdonalds.

As a sidenote, I'm going to start a regular segment where I cut and paste YouTube comments straight to my blog for the sake of entertainment - because if you don't find YouTube rage (at least some of it) incredibly funny, you were obviously born without a sense of humor.

Anyway, ivan001 both completely misses the point, and hits on another one with the precision of a drunken surgeon. Modern advertising has never been about the product. We are in the business of selling brands my friend, not toothpaste, not chewing gum, not housing loans. We sell feelings. We sell loyalties. We sell hunches. We sell the cure for buyer's remorse. What this country sorely lacks is media literacy. True, ivan001 may be literate enough to see how he/she is being manipulated, but advertising hasn't changed (much) in 40 years. If you aren't buying the spot, you aren't buying the product. But hopefully most of us understand what's really going on when Coke is pushing a 102 year-old man at us and doesn't mention "Coke" explicitly in a spot (besides the not-so-subtle product placements). There's no conspiracy here.

On the bright side, ivan touches on an idea I can support. Life is not about hedonism. This is where Coke falls short for me in this ad. It's a good thought, and you really ought to enjoy life and "grab it by the..." well, whatever you choose to grab life by. But it suggests that that is all life is about: pleasure. And finding yours. Nope.

More on YouTube rage, hedonism and my own personal philosophy later. Like you care *laughs*.

Caution

Sorry, I had to get the taste of bacon out of my mouth.

A bacon update

Holy crap.

The bacon cheese weave.

Your move, BMW.

First saw this here by blogger Jason (great name btw, and thank you). Brilliant outdoor counter-attack, by a local dealership in California. Fantastic.



On the left, a national-run ad from Audi touts the new A4 with a caption that reads, "Your move, BMW." The Santa Monica BMW strikes back with a simple "Checkmate." And a picture of the new M3.

Well played.

What's your NPR name?

You will no longer refer to me by my Christian name. For now on, please call me Jaspon Furadouro - NPR correspondent and expert on the trivial and mundane.

I won't be making the change legal anytime soon, but you can bet that when NPR needs a story on the 1950's diner (that started as a secret Nazi youth induction center) facing closure due to the struggling local economy, Jaspon Furadouro will have the story. Complete with ambience audio and interviews of a haggard, well-over-retirement-age figurehead manager detailing the early days of the diner (because he remembers them well between the long pauses and throat clearing).

But seriously, I would love to be an NPR correspondent. I just don't have the right name. Or the voice. Or the look. But here's a way I can fake it 'til I fail at it.

Thank you Liana and Eric (reposted from http://liana.tumblr.com/post/95793665/your-npr-name). Very clever.

Eric and I recently discovered a shared fascination with the slew of impossibly named NPR hosts we listen to every day: Renee Montagne, Steve Inskeep, Corey Flintoff, Korva Coleman, Kai Ryssdal, Dina Temple-Raston.

In fact, we’ve often wondered what it would be like to be one of them. A Nina Totenberg or a Renita Jablonski. A David Kestenbaum or a Lakshmi Singh. Even (on our most ambitious days) a Cherry Glaser or a Sylvia Poggioli.

So finally, after years of Fresh Air sign-off ambitions, we came up with a system for creating our own NPR Names. Here’s how it works: You take your middle initial and insert it somewhere into your first name. Then you add on the smallest foreign town you’ve ever visited.

So I’m Liarna Kassel. And Eric is Jeric Bath. I even have a new nickname for my little brother in Dylsan Rosarita.

So. Who are you going to be today?

C-, very poor. Please see me.

My brother forwarded this. I had to share - it might be a little inappropriate, but a small sacrifice for good humor.

How to fail tests. With dignity.

And, for extra credit:

A three-star wanted level and my next show pitch

This is redubbed footage of a police chase that happened last Friday (the Benny Hill theme was a nice touch). It's the strangest police chase I've ever seen for several reasons:

1) It involves a Scion xB. To date, I've never seen an xB involved in a police chase. Of special interest because I drive one too and thought it was amusing.
2) It's a woman. You have to admit, you don't see a lot of them running from the law in LA.
3) This was different than a normal chase. I've seen plenty where the driver is emotional, drugged, armed, suicidal etc... But they usually attempt to seriously evade, or make the whole thing a big joke (see GTAIII reference). This is unlike anything I've ever seen before because she's completely serious! (and let's face it, she's not outrunning anything in that little box).
4) She ghostrides the xB. Have you ever seen a chase suspect do that successfully?

I grew up in Southern California. If there's one thing I loved watching, it was a good, live police chase. Unscripted, spontaneous, completely unpredictable, with a hint of danger, it had everything - and better yet, it was covered by every major news station in LA, LIVE. This wasn't newsworthy (necessarily, although I'd love to hear your opinions), it was the televising of some poor soul's cry for help. The only thing that makes it fun to watch is that this poor soul has made a momumentally bad decision in attempting to outrun the law.

So here is my (somewhat serious) proposition Fox News (or whoever wants to tread through the legal battlefield to accomplish what I'm about to propose). A 24-hour cable channel devoted to police chases. I know I'm probably not the first person to think of it (heck Kevin and Bean have talked about it extensively after I got this idea), but why not dedicate a network to it? Statistically there must be a sufficient number of chases that occur to fill a lot of the day. When there isn't a high speed pursuit happening live, what's wrong with digging through the archives to find an oldie?

I also envision half-hour specials (like Tru, Spike etc. do) where they analyze police tactics in a high-speed chase, the dangers (esp. when there are several serious warnings throughout about why it's a bad idea to do this kind of thing) the physics... maybe even forensics, accident scene investigation, heroic stories of state troopers, etc... You have many elements of human drama here, and it's all unfolding live - surely there are several good ideas for a 30-minute series.

And then there's the advertising. Chase junkies like myself would have to sit through the commercials to see what's coming next (in the case of live events). It's like watching any other unfolding live news event - the TV stays on, even through the commercials.

And police chases stop becoming "newsworthy" and are no longer televised there. People who want to do this for notoriety get none because instead of making the 6 o'clock news, they're the next live feature on PCTV (Police Chase TV... just one of the ideas for the title). The people who are thinking about outrunning the cops will probably think twice after watching countless people get hurt, arrested, or even die on the channel's programming. The people still dumb enough to run get to entertain us and sell advertising.

I'm ready to write the business plan, so network execs - drop me a line.

Campaign of the year (so far)

Kudos to Mullen for creating something that made me cry tears of laughter. This is by far the best television campaign I've seen in the year 2009. It's still only April, but the bar is set pretty high my friends. Bravo and good work. Funny, unnerving, well-produced and a wonderful play on words.

They've redeemed themselves after the very mediocre creative they delivered on our company's campaign two years ago, but we won't go into that. :)







They shoot, they score!

For the love of bacon

I'm a big fan of bacon (fan # 193-thousand something on facebook). I found this amusing post on RecipeStar via StumbleUpon this morning and it was good for a couple of giggles. Mostly because I can actually picture myself doing some of these silly things with bacon.



A great April Fool's product by the lighthearted folks over at ThinkGeek.com. I'm just sad it's not real. Such a sick, sad, cruel world this is.

Taken from ThinkGeek's product description (quite witty):

A few years after WWII ended, a young man working in a small restaurant in Sweden developed a new way to process bacon. By precooking it and blending it in a special way, he was able to make a fully cooked 100% bacon paste that could be squeezed from a tube. Knowing he had discovered something paradigm-shifting, young Vilhelm Lillefläsk quickly went into business. That, dear friends, is when Squeez Bacon® was born. And this delicious delectable from Sweden has finally been brought over to the USA - now with American Flavor!

We've been working for months now with Vilhelm Lillefläsk (yes, he still runs the company!) to bring Squeez Bacon® here, and boy are we proud. Why? Because Squeez Bacon® is simply the tastiest bacon food product ever made. Did you know that it's rumored ABBA met while eating Squeez Bacon® sandwiches? And even IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad (we've heard) never travels without a case! He loves it on his American style meatballs. Ojojoj!

Vilhelm Lillefläsk's Squeez Bacon® is fully cooked 100% bacon. Due to the patented electro-mechanical process by which Squeez Bacon® is rendered, it requires no preservatives or other additives. Each serving is as healthy as real bacon, and equivalent to 4 premium slices of bacon! You can put it on sandwiches, pizza, pastas, bacon, soups, pies, eat it hot or cold (warm Squeez Bacon® on toasted rye is to die for), substitute it for bacon in your recipes, or even eat it right out of the tube like we do! If it's edible, it's better with Squeez Bacon®. In the immortal words of Vilhelm Lillefläsk, "Aldrig kommer att ge dig upp!" Once you get a taste of Squeez Bacon®, you'll know exactly what he meant.

Aldrig kommer att ge dig upp indeed.




MMMMmmmm. If only.

My workspace

Plenty of people here at work have commented on my "cubicle art" so I thought I'd share (I love seeing other peoples' workspace, it's kind of satisfying from a voyeuristic standpoint, isn't it?) For me, it's a source of daily inspiration, if not something colorful and busy to look at while I crank out the next creative piece on my plate. It's especially fun being an in-house writer (for the time being anyway) because people from random departments that visit us are not sure what to think of the "weird guy with the wallpaper."

It's a reflection of my boyish and somewhat proudly naive passion for advertising. Is it lame? Maybe. Photocopied from annuals, websites/blogs, Comm Arts, books and magazines, it's a way to absorb great advertising (osmosis, naturally) while hoping some of the brilliance rubs off on me. It also gave me something to do while my computer started up in the morning (usually about 10 minutes, it's old) - it's taken me almost two years to finish it at that rate.

These were all taken today - I didn't get a chance to clean/edit/organize what you see here, so it's truly "natural habitat."



The left side - it's covered with ads, except I've left little squares of fabric to hang clips on. I put my schedules and briefs on that wall. This is my highly functional side.



The middle - plug for my phone, plug for my iPod, headphones. Nerf weapons... eh, don't ask. Pictures of the wife and family, also very inspirational.



The right side - Mountain Dew mini fridge (won it in a sweepstakes last year, wewt), a bunch of plastic bags I need to reuse/recycle, paper for recyling, and my VIP backstage pass/tickets to a recent They Might Be Giants concert.

Want some neat advertising wallpaper for your office or cubicle? Let me know, I'd be happy to make you some if the price is right.

Or better yet, just hire me. :)

Oh look, the Apple hand model actually has great taste in music

Welcome back. For those of you that followed my instructions to close out your browser yesterday, and only did so because you couldn't figure out how to download Daft Punk to your iPhone, good news. I have a tutorial! It's in the form of an actual commercial Apple did to promote their iPhone and how easy it is to download music from their store:



Massive Attack? Erasure? Daft Punk? Someone's got taste.

The weapons of mass instruction

I love Daft Punk. If you've never heard of DP, or are not familiar with their music, please go buy their album entitled "Discovery." Seriously. Right now. Stop reading this and go take a listen. Go ahead, I can wait.

Also, do some research. Their Wikipedia entry is a great start. Their official site will also shed some light.

All done? If you're not a huge fan of what they do, please find the red "x" [close] or similar browser-appropriate button and click. See you next post I guess.

The rest of you will surely appreciate the way DP has pioneered their corner of the music scene and built a global fanbase that is nothing short of an army of grooving, adoring robots. But far from being mindless, tasteless androids with wallets, DP's fans have come to love what they do because they recognize what it is - innovation. Imagination. Exploration.

For me, it's auditory ambrosia.

I've always wondered a) how they produce their music, and b) what they're doing live at shows if they're not playing conventional instruments. Musically I'm pretty inept. So, to come across these two articles was a real treat for me. Most hardcore DP fans will have already read these, but I thought I'd combine them both and repost for others. Thanks to the original authors of these posts at musicnewsculture and musicthing - I'll quote them later.

At concerts (at least for the Alive 2007 tour), both Thomas Bangalter and Guy-Manuel de Homem-Christo sit atop a giant pyramid, an iconic visual thread through the album and tour:

After seeing tons of pictures and video of them at the controls, I started wondering what those "controls" actually were... I mean, they look pretty busy... Behold:

(the following is reprinted from http://musicthing.blogspot.com/2007/07/what-are-daft-punk-actually-playing.html... the numbers below correspond with the yellow labels in the 2nd photo and the quotes are DP)

These photos are cropped versions of what appeared in Mixmag, here’s the info that was cropped off:

1. ABLETON - “The show revolves around Ableton Live software on custom made super-computers, which we remotely access and control with Behringer BCR2000 midi controllers.”

2. SCREENS - “Next to the ethernet remote computer screens there are four Minimoog Voyagers, the classic analog synthesizers. They’re a 30-year old design.”

3. MOOGS - “We can mix, shuffle, trigger loops, filter, distort samples, EQ in and out, transpose or destroy and deconstruct synth lines. We keep some surprises on the side too!”

4. VISUALS - “There’s a direct connection between our rig and the lights and visuals of the show. The light and video engineers can also add or control layers during the show.”

5. SYNTHS - “Inside the pyramid are synthesizers and remote controls connected to the rest of the music equipment and computers, which are in rack-mounted towers off stage.”

6. TEAMWORK - “Working the music equipment, lighting and video equipment, and building the pyramid for each show takes around 10 people, including both of us.”

So. Freaking. Cool.

The xeroxiest place on earth

My childhood was magical. A big part of that was Disney (before it became the global conglomerate and marketing machine it is today). We subscribed to the Disney Channel. I was obsessed with going to Disneyland. I took a girl to a prom at the Disneyland Hotel. I watched many of the feature-length classics.

Much to my chagrin, I learned recently that Disney films have a lot of recycled material. I realized early on that many of the plots, morals and ideals expressed were similar, if not borrowed from movie to movie... but I never realized they were straight up copied:



Wow. Another pillar of my childhood has fallen.

Kia's got SOUL

Let me start by saying that I'm not a big Kia fan. My own personal (flawed, biased and irrational) opinion is that they're a chintzy, second-rate start-up, with a lineup that ranks somewhere in between Colt and Daihatsu. Nothing personal, but even Honda and Toyota were there once. My own mother happens to be Korean, and I'm not racist. I'm in advertising.

But the great thing about advertising is that, coupled with years of giving the spending public what they want, it can greatly turn the tide of popular (or unpopular in my case) opinion and dramatically raise the value of a brand. I saw a commercial today that started to do precisely this in my mind. I don't think I'm ready to plop down "under 14k" for a Kia, but they're well on their way to dethroning Daewoo.

Besides. Anytime someone can make a commercial where hamsters drive cars, they automatically win.

AwwwwwwwwwWWWW freakout!

Recently (okay, last year maybe?), one of my favorite ad agencies (Crispin, Porter + Bogusky) conducted a little experiment in the name of great advertising. I bring it up because lately I've been eating a lot of Burger King. This is due in large part to the lack of creativity (or the undying devotion to a brand, maybe both) of one of the most creative people I know personally. When lunch time rolls around, you know where our crew is headed at least two days out of the week.

I started to wonder what I'd do without my Whopper (with cheese of course). I think I'd freak out, a lot like these people...



Okay maybe not. It's just fast food. Really, really delicious, fattening, grease-ladden, salt-covered, cholesterol-filled, euphoric coma-enducing fast food.

The Ramp

One of the most entertaining and brilliant documentaries of our time. Did I say documentary? I won't ruin it, just watch.

Fail.

I pulled into the parking space behind this behemoth and realized I wasn't going to fit. Why? Take a look at his parking job.

Fail.

Obsession

A TED talk I saw recently featuring Adam Savage from the show Mythbusters. I really admire what they do on Mythbusters because they attempt to faithfully and scientifically engineer environments in which to test modern myths, urban legends and commonly held notions that would otherwise be left to conjecture and debate. They also blow things up, it's very entertaining television.

Savage is a man after my own heart because of his passion and interest... in what? Whatever he wants. Few human beings (at least the ones I've interacted with in my lifetime) possess this kind of almost OCD, obsessive interest in anything. You can hear it when he talks. You're entranced by it, wrapped up in it. You want to know more of the story. What happens next.

And if you're not, you really ought to read more.